What’s the deal with Goldilocks, huh? We all think she’s this sweet little girl who loves wandering into the woods, only she breaks into a bear family house (disgraceful! Kids today have no manners, right?). And then what does she do? Realize that she’s inadvertently trespassed? Nope. She goes and eats their food! And somehow, not just one bowl, but she manages to taste every single bowl and complain about them? Like, lady, we’re not going to eat our soup now that you got your germs in them. You never double-dip the chip! Then she breaks a chair (so now, on top of breaking and entering and grand theft food, we’ve got destruction of property). And finally she lays down in someone else’s bed as if that’s not going to have any consequences. Are we even surprised she gets caught? You, a bear, get back to your house and, upon seeing the door open, you think “oh, we’ve been robbed. Better see what’s been taken.” So you go through the house, see the missing food, the broken chair and boy what a mess. Only then you realize the perpetrator is still there The most surprising thing about Goldilocks isn’t that she’s an devious criminal, it’s that the bears don’t eat her right then and there!
You don’t want your girl being a Goldilocks, do you? Of course not! What a scourge! What a bad example for the children. Instead, your girl can be one of those wonderful, delightful, fair and just bears! Besides, how else is she going to look so perfect wearing those fuzzy leg warmers?